J - Page 12
Jack-go-to-bed-at-nooned adj. Describing a drinker who retires at midday, despite having only just discovered the bar. Cressida went Jack-go-to-bed-at-nooned and fell asleep beside an untouched lunchtime lager. Jack-in-the-pulpited adj. A drinker who has taken to the corner booth, speaking solemnly through leaves of bar garnish. Javori got Jack-in-the-pulpited and preached about patience from behind the salad bowl. Jack-in-the-watered adj. The state of being drunk and stationed by the bar steps, directing imaginary traffic towards the river. Llecenia got Jack-in-the-watered and waved taxis towards the nearest imaginary quay. Jack-jump-up-and-kiss-med adj. The condition of a drinker who springs up affectionately whenever anyone passes, like a pansy in a draught. Shelbert got Jack-jump-up-and-kiss-med and embraced three customers who had merely gone outside. Jack-of-all-tradesed adj. Drunk on the strength of being able to perform every part of walking, but never simultaneously. Vivette got Jack-of-all-tradesed, alternately balancing, speaking and locating the next stair. Jack-puddinged adj. You are drunk and making a buffoon's entrance into the kitchen for a glass of water. Jmere was Jack-puddinged, arriving at the sink with an unnecessarily elaborate flourish. Jack-with-a-lanterned adj. You have drunk enough to wander after a doubtful light, mistaking marshland, taxis, and omens for guidance. Mahogony went Jack-with-a-lanterned and followed a bicycle lamp into the wrong car park. Jacked (/d͡ʒækd/) adj. Drunk since last orders, and answering to any conventional name offered from the sofa. Dayley was Jacked on the sofa and responded politely whenever the kettle was addressed. Jackfield wared adj. Drunk on the strength of black glaze, and now regarding the ashtray as a provincial masterpiece. Maurissa became Jackfield wared and delivered the ashtray a considered lecture on Shropshire. Jackie Howed adj. Reduced by drink to a sleeveless garment, blue, practical and unsuited to formal conversation. Hec grew Jackie Howed and removed his jacket as though preparing for agricultural labour. Jackintoshed adj. Drunk since last orders, and operating on obsolete technology with admirable confidence. Mackenzie went Jackintoshed and attempted to reboot the pub television with a crisp. Jackson Haines spinned adj. Drunk by closing time, and rotating elegantly until the floor intervenes. Jevion became Jackson Haines spinned beside the jukebox and completed the movement under a table. Jackson derivatived adj. Still drunk, and changing by finite increments rather than in the ordinary manner. Forrest was Jackson derivatived, revising each sentence by a smaller amount than the last. Jackson integraled adj. Too drunk to proceed continuously, and instead advancing by repeated, geometrically smaller visits to the bar. Hael went Jackson integraled, returning for each sip along a progressively shorter route. Jackson's chameleoned adj. Sufficiently drunk to change colour, setting and allegiance according to whoever enters the room. Raulie became Jackson's chameleoned and matched the wallpaper until someone mentioned chips. Jackson's hartebeested adj. Having drunk enough to advance in a determined line while appearing to have misplaced the destination. Eislee went Jackson's hartebeested across the dance floor and stopped beside the coat stand.